Will it ever end?

Now that I’m somewhat getting settled into our final destination after moving back home from across the country, big life changes are ahead. My boyfriend’s divorce is suppose to be finalized next Friday and I am very much on edge. I’ve waited for this day for quite some time now but this is the second date he’s had for it to be finalized so I’m nervous it won’t actually happen again. They still have not agreed on their separation and parenting agreement yet and if it has to go to trial this will drawn out ever more.

It’s strange for myself because I had a very amicable divorce. We both walked away still friends. His ex and him are not getting along at all and there are two children involved. So far everything has gone her way which is upsetting. She makes things so unbearable and all I can do is sit by.

I know that it is going to happen but I worry about when. Our whole future depends on this. How much child and spousal support he will have to pay, when we can buy a house (we are currently living out of the camper), and when we can get married and finally move on from this mess. I have no idea what our future looks like. I know what I want it to look like but I just do not know.

It’s disappointing considering he is an outstanding, loving father that literally works so much to provide and pay support that he hardly gets to see the kids. She could care less. She moved them 7hrs away which only makes it harder, while still collecting his paychecks (support). She’s miserable so it only makes sense to try and continue to make him miserable, right?

Funny, it’s not my divorce but yet it has affected my life so much that it really does feel like it is. Deep breaths. It’s almost over. I hope. For the love of Pete!


West to East Coast, Home Sweet Home

After my ongoing anxiety about the upcoming future, Monday we ended up getting the news that my SO had gotten laid off. We packed up that night and decided it was time for a very long road trip to head back to the east coast from California.

For as much as I worried, I am now pretty relieved that we are finally headed somewhere else. We stopped off in Las Vegas for two nights. It turned out to be quite the eventful time considering one of our dogs (Golden Retriever) came down with a stomach bug. He made a huge mess of our truck and our hotel room which landed us in the Vet ER at midnight early Wednesday morning. Truthfully, he ended up being the most expensive part of our time spent in Vegas LOL but it was all worth it to make him feel much better.

Thursday, we began our next leg by stopping at the Hoover Dam and then drove 12hrs through to Denver, Colorado. Let me just say that we were not ready for such cold so soon!! It got down to two degrees and there I was, rocking my flip flops. Even in the surprisingly chillier climate of California, we had gotten spoiled with no rain, snow, or humidity. This morning we got up early to head to our next stop.

As we drive across the beautiful state of Colorado, our next point of interest is St. Louis, Missouri. We will stay a night there and then onward to Ohio we go! I feel so fortunate to get to see so much of our country next to my partner in crime. I have always been a lover of flying everywhere, but you just can’t take in those ‘fly over states’ from an airplane quite like you can on foot! I’ll cover more of our adventures in a future post.


The Past That Haunts You

Have you ever thought back to your past relationships and how you got to where you are now? Tonight, I started doing some thinking but let’s be honest that’s all I do is think! I started thinking about the men I have dated and how they have effected who I am and how I am in a relationship.

I haven’t had a ton of relationships but I’ve had my share. My first boyfriend was very controlling, aggressive, dominant, and emotionally/physically abusive. That specific person scarred me, shaped me, and led me down some very dark paths at a very young age. He took my confidence, my freedom, and my sense of security completely away. I vowed to never be with a man who could have that much power over me or make me feel that way ever again. From there, I passed up a good man, for what I thought was a better man. He ultimately cheated on me, was abusive towards me, and again made me feel insecure and not good enough.

I then met my (now) ex husband who lifted me up, let me have the power, and I found myself in control of everything. When I say everything, I mean everything; money, decisions, sex, and arguments. It was good and bad all at the same time. I finally found myself with everything I had wanted but I became everything I didn’t want in my prior relationships. Maybe he was too good to me. But still, he struggled with his own demons and it wasn’t all it was cracked up to be either. When we found out I couldn’t bring a child into this world, my dreams, my spirit, and my whole world were broken. You never fully understand or get over the loss of what you were always supposed to have. Meanwhile, in the midst of the marriage, I asked for a break from him and stepped out twice, feeling like I was missing something. I was missing something.

I dated 2 men on 2 different occasions. One was a drunk, man whore. The other was an immature, liar. I don’t mean to sound harsh but it’s the best way to describe them. The man whore, was the opposite of anyone I would ever be with and I think that is why I was attracted to him in the first place. I married at 19 and never really got to experience too much else. It was fun, sickening, and eye-opening all at once. He was a lot older than me, drank all of the time, treated me very poorly, and had no care for the things he did to me or put me through. Oh, and he was an ex-convict. Not my proudest moment, ever! I quickly reverted back to my ex-husband.

The liar, well, he did just that. I fell for all of the bullsh*t lies and he truly tried to toy with my emotions and my mental being. He had a little boy who in just a short time, grew on me. I cannot have children of my own so I think that played a part in my attachment with him. He had his son 50% of the time and during that time he was with me. I didn’t realize how greatly this had effected me until it was over. In no way shape or form did I want to take over the motherly role, but it was really nice to be a part of a child’s life and experience holidays and mile stones with him. When it all came down to it, the liar couldn’t stand up to his ex nor could he make up his mind on which one of us he wanted to be with, which now looking back is probably why he couldn’t stand up to her. If she said jump, he said how high. The second time we dated, after going back to my ex-husband and then filing for divorce, I caught him lying to me again. He lied about EVERYTHING.

Now this is where it all plays into who I am and how I handle my current relationship. I use these life situations to judge how my relationship is currently. I also allow myself to fall into the thoughts of, what if this or that happens again? I hate to think that my past has shaped me negatively but in some instances it has. The scars are there. The memories are there. I find myself fearing the inevitable happening all over again. So my walls go up, the questions start coming, and I start analyzing every little detail as I search for the crack in the mold. The, here we go again, thing. No way is this an excuse for my behavior or feelings but these instances really did change me as a person.

My boyfriend, the person that I swear one day I will marry, is not like these men. Although some parts are alike; for instance, he has 2 children and a less than pleasant soon-to-be ex-wife, it is completely different. He stands by me and fights for our relationship. Even though he shouldn’t have to, he defends me when the ex is being absolutely horrible towards me. From the day I met him, I knew he would change my life. Boy did he ever. He has never wavered on how he has felt towards me and always gives me reassurance when I just feel hopeless. He doesn’t lie to me and believe me, I would know. He doesn’t cheat on me and wants the same things as I do. I know he gets frustrated with my issues but giving up has never been an option for him. Unfortunately, I really do not ever give him the credit for what all he has done to make our relationship work.

I’ve prided myself for a long time on being a secure, strong, non-judgmental, and non-jealous person, but the truth is; I have insecurities, I’m weak, I judge, and I get jealous. I’m human. I’m not perfect. These are not excuses, instead, they are things I have to work on, day by day. Today, my strength comes from admitting my own weaknesses and overcoming them to be a better person to him, in life, and to myself. I have been tried in more ways than I thought were possible but this man loves me and I love him.

While all of this is true, I also must give myself a little credit. I’m hard on the person I’ve become but the truth is, I made it through every day and every thing that was designed to break me. The biggest losses and the biggest hurt, reap the biggest benefits. I do believe that. It’s cliché but what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger. I have a larger appreciation for life, the love of my life, and myself.

“The most meaningful validation you can get is the validation you give yourself.”


Something Taboo

I want to share this experience for others that might be in a similar situation. 🙂

My boyfriend and I have been throwing around some ideas lately to keep things a little interesting in the bedroom. In my younger years, I used to explore with women and have a little fun, to say the least. So, he has thrown out the idea of a ‘limited’ threesome. I would say a full threesome but I am still not comfortable with seeing him and another female together (I don’t know that I will ever be comfortable with that). His ex-wife and him had an open relationship, which is actually how we met. For me, I cannot be in an open relationship if I want to build a future with someone and he is completely onboard with that. He has had some realizations about himself, love, and life since meeting me. The one thing we do both agree on is allowing him to watch myself with another female. That, is what led to this fun idea.

Last Friday, we went shopping for a nice sexy lace dress and heels, while he got a nice dress shirt, jeans and pants. When the night hit we headed down to a local sex club in the city. Wow! What an experience. First, we went to a gay bar to loosen up and have some drinks. There was a drag show performance that started right after we walked in. I cannot believe how much fun we had. I am so thankful that my SO is so open and accepting of every one in life. They made sure to pick on us just a little, knowing that we are not from the city and definitely look like the odd ones out. We didn’t mind.

After, we walked around the corner to the club. We were both pretty nervous at first, not knowing what we were really getting ourselves into. It was couples night and only single females allowed. There were three floors to enjoy as we walked them all to get a feel for the place. It was low lit with music playing and couches, beds, chairs, stripper poles, sex swings, glory holes, and small rooms everywhere. Our first stop was the basement. Couples were just getting started. Quickly, we realized this was a very safe, fun, relaxing atmosphere that we could be whoever we wanted to be and do whatever we’d like.

We found ourselves in a small little cubby with a bed. For being newbies to this, we didn’t waste any time enjoying one another while everyone watched us from the opening. It was.. invigorating, knowing we were doing something so naughty in front of so many people. We finished in that room and made it to the main floor as another couple followed us. Him and I laid on the bed while the other couple played on the couch as they watched us. That was it. I just let myself go and did not care who saw what, or what we did. I opened myself up and took it all in.

Shortly after we finished on the bed, the single males were now allowed in and that was a good time to go. It became a slightly different environment that we were not 100% comfortable with. The men were enjoying themselves while they watched everyone and then they seemed to flock to me, wanting me. They really did not let up on following us around which is perfectly fine but that’s not what we were there for, so it was a bit overwhelming.

Overall, for a first time experience for the both of us, we really enjoyed it. We had no idea what to expect but we were hoping to find a female to enjoy for a little while. We did not succeed in that area so I guess we will just have to go again! I’m very proud of myself for opening up and letting loose considering I’m usually pretty closed off to the outside world. I actually felt like it was a bonding experience for us. He enjoyed watching people watch and enjoy me. He kept reminding me that it was just him and I. Typically I do not like being the center of attention but it was exciting to know I was allowing other couples to fully enjoy themselves with something so natural.

We’re not freaks. They’re not freaks. We’re all just wanting to enjoy one another in a safe environment that is different from what we are used to.


Anxiety Overload

Do you ever have that uneasy feeling, like something is definitely wrong? I’m struggling today because the last week or so have just been rough. In March, I quit my job on the east coast to move to the west coast with my boyfriend (for his temporary job assignment). We have now learned that this job is coming to an end in the next few weeks and I am an emotional mess due to not knowing what lies ahead.

He is currently going through a divorce and we are facing a huge financial change. In my head I am going back and forth with myself about all of this and it’s literally driving me crazy. We’re looking at him trying to find a job back home again, myself trying to find a job again, the cost and time to drive back to the east coast, and did I mention we are homeless? We sold both of our houses to alleviate some costs while we were gone and we are going ‘home’ to a camper (which I’m completely good with) but it’s still scary. He has two children from his marriage that also play into this as it’s been quite awhile since he’s been able to see them and it will still be difficult because his ex moved 6hrs away from our home base.

I’m really working on trying to take a huge deep breath and hoping this all settles but it just doesn’t seem to be settling. We both know at the end of the day, we always have each other but trying to stay positive, happy, and upbeat during a hard time is indeed very hard.  I guess that today I am looking for a little encouragement because my anxiety is through the roof. Breathe in. Breathe out. It will be okay. It has to be okay.

He and I have had a crazy, amazing love story since the very start and this is something we knew that we’d have to get through together, right from the start. I honestly don’t know how he balances everything. He works 60hrs a week, supports the both of us, pay his alimony and child support, has to be away from the kids, deal with my emotional mess (haha), and has a divorce to worry about. I think I’m too hard on both of us sometimes. I’ve never been one to just let things be; I have to analyze, pull it all apart, and try to fix them.

Now is not the time. I must tell myself, now is not the time for all of that. Smile and just let it be. Breathe in. Breathe Out.



Divorce. Some Good, Some Bad.

I was married at 19 and found out that I was infertile shortly thereafter. I suffered from Stage 4 Endometriosis and Polycycstic Ovarian Syndrome. It was some of the hardest years of my life. It took a major toll on my health and livelihood. I completely changed and lost myself. It hurt him and completely wore us out. After nearly 6 years of marriage and so much heartache, we decided it was best to divorce.

Divorce. It sounds so horrible, right? But for us, we were such great friends and we really had a good foundation. Love but not in love. While we were separated, I endured a few horrible relationships that taught me a lot about what I did not want in a man. The day of our court hearing came and we decided it was best to drive to the courthouse together; after all, we’re best friends. We made divorce sound pleasant. Everyone said we were crazy, just as they did on the day we married. We even went to lunch afterwards, as two separate people, single, and ready to start our next chapters in life. That man is still my best friend and he is currently expecting his first child!!

This brings me to the week after my super pleasant divorce.

I had my first date with whom would become the love of my life. Here comes that dirty word again… DIVORCE. He’s currently going through one himself. His: not so pleasant. There’s pregnancy, kids, money, possessions, anger, distance, and any thing else you could possibly argue over. It really takes a toll on a person and relationship but the beautiful thing? When it’s all over, there are 2 BEAUTIFUL kids to raise, a very strong man who has had my back through so much, the woman that has had his back too, who both love one another more than any obstacle that comes before them. The second time around is much different. We’re older, a little wiser, and no we don’t have it ALL figured out but that is life. We’re enjoying the adventure, even during the crazy, stressful times.

This is my place, to air it all out. A lot has happened and I’m learning, growing, and becoming better.


The Adventure Begins

Hello to all!

I have decided to create this blog to open up about all of the things life throws at us; the good, the bad, and the ugliest of ugly.

Let me tell you a little about me!

I’m freshly 26, divorced, in a relationship, tattooed, and traveling…everywhere. The last several years have been a journey I never thought I’d go on but here we are and I think I’ve learned a lot.

Or so I thought.

Thank you for joining me on this beautiful, crazy, unbelievable adventure!